Not Otherwise Specified

I look back at how we wound up here.

Memories are scattered in my mind.

Just like your thoughts and movements

And sands of time.

That time is out of reach when you had shined.

Solidly walking 

that lifeline,

And now the answers are so hard to find.

All the scrambled words that are spoken,

And they reveal that you are broken.

What is there left to say?

What is there left to say?

Every time you flip that switch,

You unravel another woven stitch.

What is there left to say?

And the ties that bind my hands,

Tightly knotted to prevent your escape.

You didn’t choose this.

Logic and reality were yours to miss.

You were handed a new deck of cards

To play.

All the scrambled words that are spoken,

And they reveal that you are broken.

What is there left to say?

Every time you flip that switch,

You unravel another woven stitch.

What is there left to say?

And we try to play by the rules,

Amid the cheaters and all the flaws.

Pray, pray hard to our God.

For the means to fix what is broken.

And understand the words when they

Need to be spoken.

What is there left to say?

Can we bring  back the balance to stay?

11.22.17
©Kerri L. Stanley

Love Hard

Love hard. 

Stop hating.

Lines are crossed,

Lives are lost.

We’ve forgotten how to hate less,

Or how to mend this brokenness.

We must plant seeds of hope,

Tie love knots with this life rope.

In the darkness shine unified light,

And keep faith in our sights.

How can we mend our hearts?

In peace we must embark.

How can we make things right?

And live peacefully without fright?

Love hard.

Stop waiting.

10.02.17
© Kerri. L. Stanley

Riptide

It looks just like you're standing on the shore,

The riptide is pulling you in.

Each crashing wave sinks your feet deeper 

   Into the sand.

Rooted to where you must stand,

Unable to free yourself from the knowledge 

   Of going down.

Lips sealed tight with your secret,

Unable to even utter a sound. 

A hand reaches out for you,

But it's nothing but an illusion. 

The act of pretending to want to even care,

Is obvious in what's not hidden in your stare.

Shameless pining to nurture self abuse,

Unwilling to let go of what is unattainable. 

Buried deeper into the sand,

You refuse to reach out your hand,

Choosing to gamble with your psychological,

   Emotional and spiritual growth,

Thinking that the tide will recede and lessen,

Not seeing that it is nothing but an obsession. 

It looks like you're standing on the shore,

The riptide is pulling you in,

Because you have no strength to liberate yourself 

   From where you willingly and foolishly stand.

09.04.17
©Kerri L. Stanley

Highs and Lows

I took a ride to the coast,

Just me and nobody else

To unscramble these thoughts in my mind. 

What I remember the most,

Is how lonely I felt

How that pain could leave me feeling so blind. 

I watched the waves on the shore 

Like so many other times before 

And I knew I was where I should be. 

Not to let it consume me,

It was time to forgive,

Even if it meant to agree to disagree.

And the highs get so high,

And the lows get so low

And the things that make us most

Uncomfortable are the things that

Teach us what we all need to know.

Yeah, I saw that fine line,

And I relinquished the chance

To leave it there when I knew I had to go.

I took the long way home,

Turned the music up loud 

And the playlist was worthy to note:

"Don't Miss Your Life" and 

"If I Needed You",

I heard the words of these songs echo the most.

Still I brought them back home,

All these jumbled up thoughts,

As they tumbled right out of my hands. 

I put them all in a jar

That I handed over to you,

And you could see how far back it all began. 

And the highs get so high,

And the lows get so low

And the things that make us most

Uncomfortable are the things that

Teach us what we all need to know.

Yeah I saw that fine line,

And I relinquished the chance

To leave it there when I knew I had to go.

And you lifted me high 

To a place I didn't think I could go 

Not wanting to miss this life,

Knowing I would still always need you 

And learning that together we would still grow

And hold on to each other like we did long ago. 

08.21.17
©Kerri L. Stanley

Wayward Stance

They say the truth will set you free

Yeah like redemption felt walking down a church aisle.

Unless we walk in your shoes, what will we see,

But a trail of your sins strewn for miles.

And there just around the bend,

Your hidden life that has no end.

You step,

You turn

To your own private dance 

Fooled you think you have us

Into believing not whether

We'd be fooled again.

You can't even give in,

And you don't know how to walk away 

From this lie of yesterday.

Vows that you made are silenced around,

As you repeat a ritual knotted and tied.

On your knees you should fall to the ground.

But your morale only lessens

And there will be a next time 

To connect to all the times when 

You turned it into something beyond just friends.

You smile,

You yearn

To preserve your secret stance

Boldly thinking that you must  

Justify it all not to be a romance

Unable to even recall when 

The masquerade all began 

Now we don't know what else we can say 

To this grievance that's in the way. 

Yeah you are going to throw it all away,

As the hands of time put away another day. 

08.06.17
©Kerri L. Stanley

Glitter and Gold

I saw you again the other day

At one of your local haunts

Guess you never have anything to hide wherever you go.

As for me and my imagination,

We keep each other in check

And never argue about you having to be alone.

I'm still asked about you all the time,

And I guess I'm doing a good job of towing your line.

But sometimes I think about you,

And I know I'll never stand up,

To confront you and all your reasons;

Always the lion controlling her lair

Where the people will never understand you

Because by now I've come to know,

Even though it glitters, it isn't gold.

Well I think I've come to know her,

And without you she would crumble,

So I know you just can't bear to let her go.

Certain things you expose without knowing,

And they prompt answers to the questions,

And there's certain things that have to just be let go.

You were asked about it but refused to take the fall.

And I guess by now it's nobody's call.

There will never come that save for a rainy day,

And I guess my imagination is only white and gray.

But someday I think you are going to feel the cost;

What you think is a win is really the price of what was lost.

07.13.17

©Kerri L. Stanley

Storm Clouds Cleared

Walking out of the church after having been down on my knees
I have made my decision, I know it won’t be easy.
Lies become sins and sins can be confessed.
That’s when it is left to Him.
I’m letting go of this burden, wiping the tears from my eyes.
‘Cause you know, everybody needs someone by their side.

I’m erasing from my memory the proof of what you hold and have
Conversations and pictures, I will leave in the past.
No more looking over your shoulder, you can have and still hold her.
That’s when it is left to Him.
I’m letting go of this burden, wiping the tears from my eyes.
Cause I know, everybody needs someone by their side.

So much for morals and what’s right and what’s wrong.
This is what it’s like not to share this broken song.
Being a silent observer is not seen as a fail,
It’s your story to tell that’s between you and him.
I won’t think about how long or even its earliest origin.
I’m keeping this train on its tracks, I won’t let it derail.

And I almost went the other way.
Put these feelings in a box and tied it up tight.
Like your endless visits you still make many a night.
Carry on what you have, cover up what we see.
It is what it is, and will continue to be.
And now the burden is gone.

05.28.17

©Kerri L. Stanley

Church Clothes

Halfway up the aisle, seated there on the end.

Rainy Sunday morning, and you know where you'll be. 

Thinking you're just another nameless face to others,

Pretending to be interested in his speech. 

And yeah, I know it sounds crazy,

But I can see through your quiet prayers.

I'm in the corner, watching you watch him.

And It's like every other Sunday, forced for expectations.

Thinking nobody sees your silent endearments grow,

Just because you're wearing church clothes. 

How can this wrong be made right?

It's a tangled mess, so out of line. 

Desperation and loneliness.

Caught in the storm clouds. 

Afterwards, you'll shake hands.

Pretend to say thanks and then goodbye.

But you don't know all that I know. 

Hiding your sins underneath your church clothes. 

What does it matter? Even the rain can't douse the fire. 

No matter what I say, I'm just preaching to the choir. 

05.21.17

©Kerri L. Stanley

It's Not What You Think

"It's not what you think,"

That's what you keep on saying.

"Your perception is blurred by your anger,

And your reality is slowly fading."

But you have made another mistake,

In a move you thought you did right.

Because I saw those that preceded it,

On the many countless other nights.

If your intentions are not what they seem,

You'd be hard pressed to explain the rest.

Or the chess game you also play with her,

And whose move he will notice next.

It's not what you think.

It's a game you'll keep on playing.

Your perception is clouded by your insecurities

And what I see are boundaries fraying.

It's not what I think.

It's what I see.

05.19.17

©Kerri L. Stanley

Turning a Blind Eye

Stop making excuses to have to leave.

It's obvious you have somewhere else you want to be.

How long can this go on, you keep going back for more.

And I'm tired of wanting to believe you'll ever stop anymore.

Please look at who you are;

And the line you have crossed over.

You must think that I'm so blind.

Or that it's all just in my mind.

I don't know from where I should embark.

This is tearing me apart.

There is so much that is wrong that I know.

It's a turmoil that continues to grow.

Built on your sins and secrets and lies.

You have backed me into a corner.

Making excuses for everything.

I'm trying to be strong. Stop denying what you won't say.

You don't know how to end it. I regret what it will bring.

Every accusation you've heard in your dreams,

Still means nothing with false illusions by your side.

But I hope you can live with yourself in what you continue to deny.

That's why I don't know from where I should embark.

This is tearing me apart.

There is so much that is wrong that I know.

It's a turmoil that continues to grow.

Built on your sins and secrets and lies.

And I don't know how to answer the what and the whys.

05.18.17

©Kerri L. Stanley

Entitlement

It's not how it's done,

It's not how it's played.

It's not who cares,

It's who plays the spade. 

In the gamble of flight,

You say it's for fun.

You act out power and grace,

But you'll still never run.

It's never the reason,

It's less if not more.

It's not about needing,

An excuse like before.

The whole story is out,

Released from its jar.

The wound has yet to heal,

And will still leave a scar.

You still claim the room,

Even from afar.

In your mouth is the spoon,

That says who you are.

Carrying your load,

Acting like you're the star.

Giving all that you have,

Because it's just who you are.

When time comes around 

You still will not run.

Too late you are bound,

To this life you've begun.

And revealed will be your lies,

Unable to walk that straight taut line,

Where alone you are one,

And the one left holding the smoking gun.

05.11.17

©Kerri L. Stanley

Saved

You took a leap of faith.
I thought you'd never really see.
I thought about everything you knew.
How could this ever be?
You never really understand,
Until you open up your eyes
Confronting what's wrong and right
Letting go of the pain then and now.
You would listen,
Promise faith and hope.
Showing me light in darkness,
Saving me.
I told you that I was broken
And watched the clouds form in our eyes,
In your crying eyes
Back on that rainy night when
You matched your steps to my pace.

You knew I was reckless and tired;
I wasn't fooling you.
You knew all my fears, my cover, my lies
And seemingly endless sins.
But what about that night?
We took a few tumbles and falls.
Still you wouldn't let go of my hand,
No matter the price or cost.
And
You would listen,
Promise faith and hope.
Showing me light in darkness,
Saving me.
I told you that I was broken
But through it all you knew I'd rise
While you dried my eyes.
Back on that rainy night when
You showed me the meaning of true grace.

Oh how sweet the memory when
You would listen,
Promise faith and hope.
Showing me light in darkness,
Accepting me.
I told you that I was broken
And watched the clouds clear from your eyes,
From your loving eyes.
Back on that rainy night when
We created a moment that can never be erased.

04.29.17

©Kerri L. Stanley

I Still See You

I've lost track of the reasons of why I'm still here,

To put an end to this torture and pain,

But it still finds me, and remind me,

Yeah, you've got this down so easily. 

Try new things I wouldn't do,

To bring distance between me and you,

That I never tried,

Cause it's fight or flight.

But no matter what, you still can't hide. 


I've made amends, I've made excuses.
Made up the reasons to end this hell.
But I still see you.
I tried the truth, I tried lying.
I've been off and I've been on.
But I still see you.
I've done what I can to escape it like I'm supposed to.
But I'd give anything for the chance to let justice prevail.
Cause I still see you.
I still see you, there.

I never knew 'til you showed up.
It seems to never end; a game you have to win.
Whether day or night, you're there again.
Well I don't know how to let this go.
I continue to hide everything I know.
It seems so hopeless; you are relentless.

But everybody already knows it.
No, I don't know how to do this.

I've made amends, I've made excuses.
Made up the reasons to end this hell.
But I still see you.
I tried the truth, I tried lying.
I've been off and I've been on.
But I still see you.
I've done what I can to escape it like I'm supposed to.
But I'd give anything for the chance to let justice prevail.
Cause I still see you.
I still see you, there.

Day and night, I still see you there.

04.26.17

©Kerri L. Stanley

Typical Mistake

It's not so typical 

This truth you witness.
It's every tear that falls 
And it's every move you make.
It's everything you see
And  it's every step you take.
It's so critical of you
To  cover up the truth.
It's every reason to call.
It's every breath you take.
It's everything you want to be 
And it's all to justify its sake.
It's not so physical.
This lie you pretend that isn't. 
It's the fear of denying it all
And it's every excuse you make.
It's everything you don't need.
And it's your most grievous mistake.

04.19.17
©Kerri L. Stanley

Paper Dolls

I know you want to be the only one,
The reason for his brightest smile,
The blanket that warms him the best,
The most entertaining company,
The only  one who feathers his nest.

But I've actually worn your shoes
On the very path that you've walked.
In that blanket I've been wrapped,
While keeping him company,
In those times where yours has lacked.

You're just his paper doll.
He can easily toss you away.
Dress yourself up, dress yourself down,
No matter who's keeping who company,
Or how many others he has come around.

We are not his only ones.
Just a hint of what makes him smile.
Beneath that blanket the cold truth lies,
Unrevealed even to the best company,
The unshed tears that he silently cries.

A flock of paper dolls
He tends to with delicate care.
He dresses us up, dresses us down,
Sacrificing solitude for starved company,
Knowing we will always keep coming around.

03.29.17
©Kerri L. Stanley